Marine Corps Humor
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator
so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into
a couple of Marines who
were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later
came upon two men
standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two
Marines the guy in
town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long
rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with
both hands and
strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged
it on shore and
flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any
Back to Top
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
Back to Top
"A Marine in Hell"
A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, We actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead.You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, Because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! you are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!
Counselor: Oh (grimaces) , you're going to hate Fridays.
Back to Top
This Marine, all messed up from Vietnam, went to the hospital to get checked. Because of the war, his brain was all scewed up, and all he could say was the words to the Marines hymn.
So the doctor asked his name, he replied, "From the halls of montezuma..."
The doctor decided to remove part of his brain, thinking that would cure it. When the doctor did this, the Marine still said "From the halls of montezuma..."
The doctor figured he did not remove enough of the brain. So after removing some more, the marine still only said those words.
The doctor, now getting frustrated, decided to take the rest of the brain out. Now the Marine, with no brain, stood up and started singing, "Be all that you can be..."
Back to Top
A man went to a doctor and asked about a brain transplant.
The Dr. said he could have a lawyers brain for $500, a doctors brain for $1000 or a Marines brain for $50,000.
The man asked why a Marine brain cost so much.
The Dr. replied, "Do you know how many Marine brains we have to go through to find a good one?"
Back to Top
Marines' Fairwell Salute
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.
I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 United States Marines in full dress, with M-16s, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every last one of them missed.....
Back to Top
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
Back to Top
I'm Not Stupid!
After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col. and a Marine Major.
Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.
The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up "Ok Groundpounder, jump!"
The Army Captain responded "I am an Officer and Gentlemen in the United States Army and you will address me as such."
The firemen yelled back, "Ok, Captain, sir, jump!"
The Captain jumped the firemen moved the net and the Captain splattered on the ground.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Swabbie, jump!"
The Navy Captain yelled back "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."
The firemen yelled up "Ok, sir, jump!" again the firemen moved the net and another splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Flyboy, jump!" The Air Force Col.yelled back "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve respect."
The firemen said "Ok, pilot sir, jump!" They again moved the net and another splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Jarhead, jump!"
The Marine Major yelled down "I'm not stupid like those other guys, you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."
Back to Top
Marine Corps Entrance Exam
Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.
Back to Top
Marine Gate Guards
Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with
the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."
The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"
Back to Top
Marines Go Hunting
Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"You're just a chicken pilot," one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.
"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."
They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."
Back to Top
You're not a Marine
Tell this joke to someone who is not a Marine:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.
The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.
Back to Top
The Marine Band
Let's see... what can you buy a Marine...?
Try the Navy. I hear whenever they catch one they sell'em to the locals. Reminds me of my neighbor, a wonderful woman who thought the world of her late father. This was about thirty years ago-- her father loved to listen to march music-- that's right-- marches, as in John Phillip Sousa. After much effort to find the right gift for his birthday, she hit paydirt. A modern (transistor!) radio that had not only AM and FM, but also (ta da...) the *Marine Band*.
She was absolutely heartbroken, when informed after presenting this gift to her father, that the Marine Band no longer played on the radio. The store manager was non-plussed at the tongue-lashing she gave him for false advertising when she returned the "obsolete" equipment.
Back to Top
Marine vs. 2 Sailors
Two Sailors boarded a flight from Seattle to Portland, one sitting in the window seat and the other in the middle.
Just before takeoff, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat, immediately kicking off his shoes and wiggling his toes.
Just as he was getting settled, the Sailor in the window seat said,
"I would like to have a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone one of the Sailors picked up one of his shoes and spat in it.
When he returned the other Sailor said, "That looks good, I think I would like one too."
Again the Marine obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Sailor picked up his other shoe and spat in it.
The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes? This peeing in cokes?"
- Mel Durand (Mel@SemperFi.org)
Back to Top
A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "I'm just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, l hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
- Akel LCpl Omar D (Omar@SemperFi.org)
Back to Top
YOU MIGHT BE A JARHEAD IF:
You've ever used the term "Oohrah" in any context
other than sarcasm.
Your dream home is base housing.
You've ever rolled pennies to buy beer on a
You've ever sold blood to buy beer.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You met your wife at a strip joint.
You and your roommate share the same
Your kid has a high & tight.
You still have your full basic issue.
Your boot polish doesn't come out of a
Your cammies have more starch than your
You refer to McDonald's food as "chow."
You've ever bought your girlfriend a "bag
You've ever read your 'Battle Skills' book for
You still know all your General Orders.
You refer to E-2s as "My PFC," or "Young Devil
You call your friends "Devil Dog."
Your #1 credit reference is DPP.
You think your military training is seriously worth
Your picture is outside the Career Planner's
You have whitewalls on your head, but not your
You don't drink on duty section.
You have a star on your good
You consider going to the Roadhouse a night on the
You think that officers fly planes because they
are too stupid to work on them.
You still know the words to the "Marine's
You say things are 'good to go,' or
You haven't been laid in over a year.
Your favorite game is Spades.
You think stuff like this should be done on your
You still imitate your drill instructors.
You do MCIs to better yourself.
You call cadence to yourself.
You get your haircut at the 7-Day Store.
You've ever given a period of
You've ever locked anybody on.
You use CLP as cologne.
You use Aqua Velva aftershave.
You iron your coveralls.
You have a dog named "Chesty."
You have a blues cover in the back window of your
You've ever done anything for love of
You display your rank on the windshield of your
You press your cammies an hour after you get them
from the cleaners.
You think the Air Force is nasty.
You have a subscription to 'Leatherneck.'
You use the term "hard charger" on a subject other
You think your unit doesn't PT enough.
You think Motrin cures things.
You wear your dogtags
to the beach.
You've ever worked on a Harrier and truly wanted
to fix it.
You still use any drill instructor clich
You've ever been on a 3-day work detail picking
up dead fish by hand out of a rancid lake under the hot August sun in
All your underwear still has your laundry number
You stencil your name on your jeans.
You refer to regular clothes as
You've ever ironed your sheets for field
You practice rifle manual with a swab.
You get your hair cut once a week.
You've been to Whisper Alley.
You've ever worn out an ironing board.
You hang your dirty laundry from the foot of your
More than half of your wardrobe was purchased at
You "quarter-deck" your kids.
You practice line training on your wife.
You argue with people about whether Paris Island
or San Diego was better.
You refer to your SNCOIC as 'Daddy.'
You've ever called someone off leave for an up
You use your seabag as luggage when you go on
You have a picture of the Commandant in your
You wear your wooly pully with Levi's.
You wear your all weather coat with regular
The horn on your car plays the 'Marine
Your picture is outside the PX.
You've ever starved until dinner because you woke
up too late to go to the chow hall.
You pick up a woman in a bar and she takes you to
You stay there. (refer to #76)
You have the misconception that you can kick someone's
ass because they're in the Navy.
If you've ever suggested that your unit goes on
You've ever gone to a bar or dance club in your
You seriously think that your GI Bill will pay for
your college education.
You've ever slept with a WM.
You take your 782 gear camping.
You found CPL School motivating.
You can be found in 'Shaboom's' or 'Texas Two Step'
You like 'Tun Tavern' Beer.
You have a camouflage comforter on your
You keep MREs around just in case you get
You go to the chow hall to meet women.
You think people should be court-martialed for running
into a building to avoid colors.
You've ever had razor burn on your head.
You signed the Chesty Puller stamp
You've ever used the term 'very well' in normal
You call cadence during sex.
GySgt D. J. Zhorne
I&I Field Artillery Chief
Back to Top